


Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?

by bonafide_asian_nerd



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Bullies, Depression, F/M, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Sorry, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, agnst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-27 03:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonafide_asian_nerd/pseuds/bonafide_asian_nerd
Summary: He was stupid. He wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t enough. Being himself wasn’t enough. Being gay wasn’t enough. It was wrong, it had to be wrong, since it was the reason he was alone and bullied. What he did wouldn’t be enough. Everything he did was wrong. He was not good enough, and he deserved to be alone.Title from Dear Evan Hansen





	1. Chapter 1

Simon hated his life. H-A-T-E-D it. It was awful, miserable lonely. He wasn’t talking to his parents, his friends abandoned him, and he was constantly bullied. It sucked. It had been about a week since he came back from winter break, a whole week of people staring at him and whispering behind his back. Even though it had only been a week, it felt like eternity. His life was a living hell. He was miserable and alone, he almost wanted it to end. That scared him a little. He didn’t want to live. It felt disgusting to think about it, almost selfish, but then again, would there be anyone who really cared if he just, disappeared? Simon shoved those thoughts away, as he got ready for school. Mornings were painful, and he struggled to pull himself out of bed, but he weighed the two options. Going to school, and getting bullied, or staying home and probably having to face his mother. So, Simon pushed through the pain, and sadness and anger, and went downstairs. He avoided eye contact with his family and left the house. He heard his mother call out for him to eat something, but he ignored her call. He hadn’t really been hungry lately, and he also hadn’t been sleeping, which were just some more problems to add to the pile. As he drove past Leah and Nick’s house, he wondered if his friends even cared anymore. He wondered if they were doing just fine, after completely removing themselves from his life. He wondered if they were happy. If he couldn’t be happy, he at least hoped they were.

~~~

BANG  
Simon felt himself hit against the lockers. He grunted in pain. Maybe it would go by faster if he closed his eyes. He didn’t really understand why he was getting bullied. I mean sure, he was gay, but did that really change that much about who he was? They kicked, and they punched and they mocked him, but it had all gone numb. He was used to it, it was normal, and he hated that it was normal. He heard slurs, and sneers, but he blocked them out. Then he was alone. Alone in the hallways, and suddenly a voice popped up inside his head. “You’re pathetic”, it sneered. “Alone, can’t even defend yourself against bullies. No one cares about you.” Simon tried to push the voice away, “that’s not true”, he argued. “Ha”, it mocked. “Really, then who cares about you? Your friends? Your family? Blue?”. The voice laughed. Simon told himself it wasn’t true. That his friends still cared, his family still loved him, Blue still loved him. But, the voice pressed on, “Really? Then why did they abandon you? Simon closed his eyes. He wouldn’t let himself listen to that voice. It was wrong. It had to be wrong. He forced himself off of the tiled floor of the school, and made his way to his car. He was in pain, and miserable, and all he wanted to do was sleep, but he hadn’t been able sleep or eat lately. He had a massive headache, and everything hurt, and he just wanted it to stop. He just wanted it to be gone, all the pain and suffering, misery to end. He just wanted it to end. 

~~~

Simon was in his room, alone, as usual. It was 1:00, and Simon couldn’t sleep. He had been trying to work on some calculus homework, but had promptly given up. His headache was still persistent, although he had taken a pain reliever an hour ago. His mind wandered, but eventually paused when a particular subject came up. His friends. They had left him alone. Abandoned him. Left him out to be killed by bullies. They didn’t care about him. They hadn’t defended him in the cafeteria, they hadn’t noticed he was constantly bullied, they didn’t talk to him. They had completely left him alone. They didn’t care. No one cared. Realization spread throughout his body. No one cared. The voice was right. Nobody cared. No one gave a damn about him. He was completely alone. No one was there for him. The thoughts swirled in his mind, and made him dizzy. He was nauseous. He was facing the fact that he was at rock bottom. His life had fallen apart. But he didn’t cry. He wouldn’t let himself cry. Crying was pathetic, it was stupid. He was stupid. He wasn’t good enough. He wasn’t enough. Being himself wasn’t enough. Being gay wasn’t enough. It was wrong, it had to be wrong, since it was the reason he was alone and bullied. What he did wouldn’t be enough. Everything he did was wrong. He was not good enough, and he deserved to be alone.


	2. Nothing Good in Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in a long time. I have a lot of school stuff, and have an AP exam coming up, so I've been busy. but, this is a suuuper long chapter, co hopefully that makes up for something. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy!

Over the next couple of weeks things got worse. The bullying got worse, happening daily. Simon considered himself lucky if he only got punched or kicked once during the day. His friends were still not talking to him, and he was painfully alone. His mom kept trying to therapize him and his dad was just plain avoiding him. He hadn’t really eaten, and every time he did he felt like he was going to throw up. He couldn’t sleep and felt exhausted all the time. He hated it. He couldn’t live like that anymore. He needed a way out. But something inside him stopped him from trying to end it all. Maybe he felt it was selfish, maybe he thought people still cared, he wasn’t ready to give it all up. 

~~~

But one day, the restraint disappeared. He woke up feeling particularly shitty, having only slept for 2 hours. The voice in his head kept coming back, and today it instilled the mantra of, nobody cares. He dressed up and got into his car, doing his best to avoid his mom and sister. He didn’t have to worry about his father though. His dad had been avoiding him ever since he came out. Simon told himself that he didn’t care, but maybe he did. He drove to school passing by his friends’ houses feeling lonelier than ever. He hadn’t talked to them ever since the incident, but even if he wanted to he probably couldn’t. He was met with an icy glare whenever he even glanced at them. As he walked down the hallway he heard a voice that whispered, “Fag. You don’t deserve to live.” Simon tried to brush it off, make himself feel numb like usual, but he couldn’t. It was becoming to much. The voice in his head laughed cynically saying, Nobody cares about you. Why don’t you just die, you deserve it. Simon felt his fists clench as he walked to his locker. When he opened it, a small post-it note fell out. He had received plenty of these in the past few weeks. Normally he would just crumple it up, and throw it away, but today was different. He picked it up off the ground. It read, “go kill yourself, you’re not wanted here”. See, the voice sneered, they agree with me. Simon ran his hands through his hair. No, no he wasn’t going to do that. That was selfish, and stupid, and, and, and… See, you can’t even come up with a reason to not just leave. Why don’t you just end the misery? It snickered. Simon felt himself hyperventilate. No, I can’t do that, I want to live. Do you?, the voice questioned. Simon didn’t have a response. 

~~~

During lunch he went to his locker to get his lunch. He knew he wouldn’t eat it, but he just wanted to get out of the cafeteria, where everyone was staring at him. He heard footsteps from behind him, coming down the hallway. He tensed up, but didn’t turn around, already knowing who it was. He felt a hand push him up against the lockers. A voice whispered into his ear, “You know, you really shouldn’t be alone in the hallways. Buuut, obviously you have no friends, so, I guess you have no choice.” Simon closed his eyes as a fist met his ribs. Slurs and sneers swirled in his mind, as punched and kicked him. The blows hurt, but he couldn’t fight back. He didn’t know how. The beating lasting longer than usual, and the pain felt eternal. When they finally left he saw one of them turn around and say, “You don’t deserve to live you fag.” He sighed, slumping against the lockers. The universe was sending him a message, it said that he shouldn’t live. For the first time, he actually considered it.

~~~

After school, and a few bruises and insults later, Simon got home. He flopped onto his bed, thoughts swirling in his head. Should he do this. The voice in his head whispered, yes. But, why? Why would he do that? The voice responded, Because no one cares. What do you have to lose? Your friends? Your family? Blue? No one would care. Simon realized he couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t live in misery and pain. He needed to do this. No one cared, he couldn’t live without them. He didn’t deserve to live. No one wanted him to. He needed to this. He snuck out of the house, grabbing his keys, feeling grateful his parents were nowhere in sight.

~~~

He didn’t really know where to go. He didn’t know what to do. He decided on the bridge above the freeway. He forgot what it was called, but it didn’t really matter. When he got to the bridge, he sat on the concrete railing and looked down. Was he really going to do this? He was at war with the voice in his head. Maybe people did care. The voice sneered, yeah, and maybe your friends still want to talk to you, your parents aren’t ashamed of you, and Blue actually loves you.” Simon felt tears drip down his face. He hadn’t had a breakdown since blue cut him off. He didn’t feel like he deserved to. Suddenly, he felt tears rapidly fall down his face. Car lights blurred as tears made his vision fuzzy. He didn’t know how long he cried, he just sat there letting his misery flow out freely.

~~~

Emily Spier’s P.O.V.  
She worried about Simon. She didn’t know much about what was happening in his life, but it was making him miserable, and she felt terrible for him. She decided she was going to try to talk him. She hoped she would be able to get through to him, even just a little bit. She walked upstairs, feeling hopeful. She was trained for this, she could help Simon. She slowly opened the door, whispering Simon. She didn’t hear an answer, but she walked into his room anyways. She peered into his room, but Simon was nowhere to be found. A sense of dread creeped into her. She turned her head and yelled out to her husband, “Jack, did you see Simon come home tonight?” A voice called back to her, “Yeah, why?” “I don’t know where he is!”, her voice sounded panicky and she was on the verge of tears. Jack ran into Simon’s room, looked around, and said, we need to call the police. She turned to him and said, “You call the police, I’ll try Simon and his friends.” Jack nodded. Emily was worried, Simon always told them if he’s going out, no matter what. She tried Simon’s phone ten times, with no response. She was getting more and more panicky, he fingers shook as she called Leah’s cellphone. She breathed a small sigh of relief when Leah picked up. A voice from the other side of the phone greeted her with, “Hi Mrs. Spier! How are you doing?”, though the perkiness sounded almost forced. “ Hi Leah, I was just wondering if you were with Simon, or knew where he is?” The voice tensed up, sounding almost snappy, replying, “I’m sorry, I don’t. Why would he be with me anyways?”. “Because you too have been best friends your entire life. I was just wondering, I’m sorry to bother you, it’s just that we, we…” her voice broke. “ We can’t find Simon.” She heard a sharp exhale from the other side, and Leah replied, “ Oh, ok. I’ll ask Abby or Nick if they know, and I’ll definitely tell you if I find anything out. Bye” Emily was scared. She didn’t know where Simon was, what he was doing, if he was okay. She just wanted him to be okay.

~~~

Leah’s P.O.V.  
Leah didn’t know what to say when Mrs. Spier told her that they didn't know where Simon was. She didn’t know what to do after that call. She face timed Nick and Abby, but it took some convincing to get them to worry. She was a little hesitant about caring about SImon after what he did, but he was her best friend. So, after ten minutes give or take, they all hopped into Nick’s car to search for Simon. Halfway out of Abby’s driveway, Leah got a text from Mrs. Spier.  
Simon was by the bridge that passed over the freeway. She gave Nick directions, and they sped way past the speed limit, to get to the bridge. They got there the same time as Simon’s parents, just in time to see Simon sitting on the rails of the bridge talking to a police officer, who was trying to get him off of the damn rails. “Son, you don’t have to do this. There is always another way. Everything will be okay.” Leah inched closer, seeing Simon’s face flicker with anger that had been pent up for so long. “How do you know everything is going to be okay? My entire world has fallen apart, and everyone I care about has abandoned me. You have no idea what I am going through!” She saw Simon take a huge inhale. “I was forced to come out of the closet by some stupid asshole who was blackmailing me. My mom keeps treating me like one of her patients. I don’t need a damn therapist! I need my mom. I need her to be there for me when I’m alone. My dad has been avoiding ever since I told him. I wonder if he’s ashamed of me. I would be.”, Leah saw Simon’s parent tense. Mrs. Spier looked about ready to cry. “My friends have completely abandoned me. They won’t talk to me after I was trying to keep a secret, that if people knew, would change my entire world. They won’t acknowledge that I’m even there they probably wouldn’t mind if I disappeared.” Leah closed her eyes. This wasn’t right. They shouldn’t have made Simon go through this alone. “ I’ve lost the only person I have truly ever loved. I’m constantly bullied and told I’m not good enough and don’t deserve to live. And no one gives a shit about that. I could walk into the cafeteria with a black eye, and my friends wouldn’t care. That has happened before, but not even a glance in my direction. I’m ignored and abandoned by everyone I’ve ever cared about, so I’m sorry if I don’t think anything good can come out of life anymore.” Leah didn’t know how to react. She didn’t realize how hard it had been for Simon. She should have known he was getting bullied. She should have been there.

~~~

Simon’s P.O.V.  
Simon could feel himself yelling at the top of his lungs, turning to face the police officers and his family and so-called friends, he screamed. “Do you know how it feels for your world to fall apart and everyone you’ve ever loved, cared about, or even known turn their back on you? No, so you don’t get to say I know how you feel, or were going to get through it, or I care about you Simon, because you don’t care about me and you have no idea. The world has turned its back on me, so I’ll turn my back on it.” I think I can see pain and apologies written in their faces, but I can’t live in a world where everything is pain. I can’t live in a world where I’m alone. I can’t live in a world where I have to be something that I’m not, to be loved or cared about. I can’t live like this. Simon turned back around and looked back down at the traffic and the lights on the freeway. He needed to do this. He needed it to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the late update, as well as any errors in my writing. It's 12:05 in the morning and I'm very tired, but I just wanted to post it. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed, and see ya'll later! Bye! :)


	3. I'm Right Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooooooo, it's been a little while hehe. Basically an entire year since I've updated, and I just wanted to apologize. I kinda lost inspiration and wasn't entirely sure of what to do with this story. I also may have burned myself out a bit, as an amateur writer who was a freshman going through her first AP class, I was a bit overwhelmed at the dedication needed to be writer who consistently updates and posts new stories. I've gained a new respect for the writers on this site who post beautiful work on almost a weekly basis. Sorry to keep ya'll hanging (for an entire year), but I hope you're happy with the ending.

His world blurred and every sound was muted. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t think straight. His emotions were at war. He needed his pain to end, he needed it to stop. His life was a trainwreck that had promptly exploded before his eyes in the span of less than a month. All hope had disappeared as everyone who he loved and cared about in life had walked out on him. But now they were here. He couldn’t do this to them. He could picture the look of terror on the face of his little sister as she watched his body plummet to a painful death below the bridge. He could see the face of sheer horror and pain on his parent’s face as they looked at his battered and lifeless body in the middle of the freeway. He could imagine the shock on his friend's face as they stood looking over the bridge realizing that he was truly gone. But it was just that, imagination, these pretend scenarios weren’t real and he knew it. He knew that his parents were disappointed in him, he knew he had hurt his sister in his anger and resentment to the world, and he knew his friends hated him. He had no life here anymore, the only escape from drowning in his desperation and fear was death. He inched closer to the edge, wind blowing through his hair as he closed his eyes. This was it, this was the end. He lost any bearings of his surroundings, and he let his body loosen as one foot stepped off the edge of the bridge. He was ready.

~~~

Suddenly an arm jerks him back into reality. The hell? Why won’t the universe just leave him alone? Jesus, he just wanted to die in peace, was that too much to ask? He suddenly became aware of his surroundings. He saw the headlights of cars flashing by on the freeway below him, and he wanted to join them. He lets himself turn around, the strong arm still clutching his hand and is suddenly looking into the beautiful eyes of none other than Bram Greenfeld. For a second he loses himself in those gorgeous dark brown eyes of his. He snaps back into reality. He finds himself speechless, unsure of what Bram was doing there and why in hell anyone, especially him of all people would ever want to save him. He hears himself whisper “why?”. Bram flashes a pained smile and whispers back, “I could ask you the same question”. Simon suddenly understands and as he looks back into the sparkling eyes of Bram Greenfeld he breathes out one word. 

“Blue?”

 

"I'm right here Simon"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, was it worth the wait? I'm still not entirely sure what the best way to end it was. I wanted it to be short and sweet and have an open ending. Also, I've never been good at fluff and a sweet sugary ending would have been way out of my comfort zone. Anyway, hope you liked it and sorry again for the wait!


End file.
